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entry 3 – day 136

closeddown_leonardcohenlingering anxiety, some mild depression, a heap of insecurity, and an immeasurable amount of indifference have been taking turns playing “duck, duck, goose” in both my head and my chest these last few days. can’t really think of any other way to describe it, other than feeling kind of blue and removed from situations. all of the above have been both a blessing and a curse. the blessing: identifying these emotions. the curse: identifying these emotions.

it scares me though, because i know that some of these are also symptoms of being a dry drunk.

i became scared even further earlier today, as i was innocently driving to my office and *it* snuck up on me. *it* faded away after i got situated in my cubicle, only to return as i was on my way to pick up my kids later that afternoon.

*it* being a desire to have a drink. the weather was so inviting, so warm and breezy — perfect for riding around with the windows rolled down, fleetwood mac blaring from the speakers — the satisfaction that sets in when you realize it’s finally friday… i envisioned myself with a cold beer, dancing like a fool in my house, windows open, not a care in the world… something that could’ve been brought to life, if i really put my mind to it.

alas, i did not cave, i allowed the powerful wanting to surge its way through my body… to the point where it probably only enhanced my anxiety, because it is something that could’ve easily been made possible, and then it finally exited.

i really had to ride out the twenty minutes it’s supposed to take, to conquer a craving and not giving into temptation. *it* only came back 10x harder after i left the office for the day. that son of a bitch, Al Cohol.

the bigger issues were the way i drifted through this week. just kind of feeling there… not really present, not really happy, not really sad… just indifferent. my anxiety kicked in pretty good on-and-off all week, too. i’m talking that suffocating feeling that entraps every fiber of your being, and you’re pretty fuckin’ sure your chest is going to explode. probably didn’t help that i was feeling hella insecure more times than not as well.

anyway, the most important part is that i was able to come to terms with these things, and i guess conquer? doesn’t really feel like anything triumphant when you realize what these things can potentially spell out (hint: d-r-y  d-r-u-n-k).

this entry almost feels kind of forced too, so apologies for this not being entirely sincere or even somewhat cohesive. its main purpose is for me to get all this word vomit out of my head… these thoughts messily thrown together and layered on top of one another.

i guess you could say this entry can be likened to that of a shitty pinata you tried to make as a kid… like, my brain is the equivalent of that partially inflated balloon you use as the base foundation, my emotions serving as the abundant yet unnecessary amount of paper mache paste that gets all over everything, my thoughts are the random newspaper clippings layered on top of one another, and my external appearance is the pretty paint you carefully apply on the outside of the finished product. and we all know what happens to pinatas (shitty homemade ones and expensive extravagant ones alike)… they get the living shit beat out of ’em, and all its contents make for an explosive, unpredictable spew of surprises for all to see, collect, and eventually disposed of.

i’ll have something more heartfelt and digestible come my next entry. i guess i’m still closing down, awaiting a beautiful internal regrouping of sorts.

p.s. — if you’re also going through something similar (all the anxiously shitty, overwhelmingly paralysis and/or daydreaming about being able to dance your feelings away in your skivvies, cold brew in hand and not a care in the world — but you can’t, because alcohol and you’re living the sober life) i wish i could give you a hug, take you out for coffee, listen to all your thoughts, aimlessly drive you around and listen to music too loud but you don’t care because you’re singing at the top of your lungs, and make you feel a little more comfortable in your own skin, and tell you that i love you.

if anything, i hope even the idea of the above, gives you a sense of calmness and awareness. we’re going to get through these days, these thoughts, these feelings.

xo

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