jam of the day, Uncategorized

jam of the day – day 165

no lengthy explanation for today’s choice of song. i’m well overdue for a pouring out of the heart… it’s been another ten days since i last allowed myself to step aside from the demanding tasks and responsibilities that each day brings, to take the time to just “be” and let current thoughts flow… whether it be by attending a meeting, an individual session, or even jotting down (typing) how my day is going, — more importantly, perusing through the blogs of people i follow, and seeing how they are doing — etc.

between sick children, me getting sick, corporate events, deadlines, extracurricular activities, and executing chores around the house over the last ten days… it’s been a non-stop party, to say in the least. one that i really need to take a quick break from, for fear of hitting that same familiar roadblock… the one where i start to retract, accidentally isolate, and start feeling trapped.

truly wasn’t joking when i identified that it is necessary (for my personal recovery) to take time for myself, even if it’s just for a bit. i think this applies to everyone, living a life of recovery or not, that it is important to take some time for yourself — even if it’s nothing more than taking a short drive around the block, windows rolled down, and your favorite song blasting from the speakers. we all need to recharge our batteries, it’s a matter of realizing this, and making it a point to do so.

anyway, here’s today’s selection: “defense” by sarah jaffe.
enjoy.
xo

“Always on the defense
Think it’s just my reflex
I don’t want want a physical fight
It’s not my style

But I’m always on the defense
Gettin’ into arguments
I should get away for awhile
Away for awhile

Lookin’ for a reason
To provoke my inner demons
Lately they’ve been fueling my fire
Fueling my fire

But I’m always on the defense
Light some candles, light some incense
I should get away for awhile
Away for awhile

On and off
The struggle, let go
On and off
Don’t push the button, man just leave it alone
Don’t push the button, man just leave it alone

Having trouble speakin’
Exactly what I’m thinkin’
Lately that’s been fueling my fire
Fueling my fire

Not into gettin’ even
Resort to heavy drinkin’
I don’t want a physical fight
It’s not my style

Always on the defense
Think it’s just my reflex
I should get away for awhile
Away for awhile

Always on the defense
Soothe it up by confidence
Waitin’ for the well to run dry
Well to run dry

On and off
The struggle, let go
On and off
Don’t push the button, man just leave it alone.”

4 thoughts on “jam of the day – day 165”

  1. Love your mind I’m just the two posts I’ve read! Red flag—>taking on too much. Your sobriety must be first and you second. I’ve heard too many horror stories when that became untrue. And it sneaks up on you, no warning. Just my humble opinion. I’m in my second treatment program after 5 months in jail. Relapse happens to many of these guys just the way you are describing. This is my first go at recovery, but I can tell you, when our groups surround relapse, I pay attention! Again, only my experience in no way am I telling you what to do ok?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words, Rob. It’s always been a flaw of mine, to take on too much, ESPECIALLY once I became a mother. As terrible as it sounds, my way of coping with the amount of responsibilities, was by being completely counterproductive and drinking my evenings (and afternoons) into oblivion. That obviously solved all my problems. I’m working really hard towards asking for help when I need it, instead of having some sort of Superman complex. Traditionally, asking for help often makes me feel inadequate and weak, but I’m learning that it’s actually quite the opposite. I have personal goals that I plan on addressing on my blog, as a way of being transparent and accountable. I’m also making progress in these areas, thanks to the help of my counselor. Without sounding pompous, it’s not relapsing that I’m afraid of, it’s turning into a dry drunk — especially on my “woe is me” days. If anything valuable came from my wake-up call, it’s the sheer fact and awareness that the only way I can make anything shittier than it is, is by drinking. I did NOT mean to write a novel of a response, btw. I appreciate your words though, so thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am so glad you did. You have great self awareness and I do hope you manage to find that balance. All my regards for you in your recovery. Btw, your answer is appreciated and essential in my growth and development

        Like

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