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double whammy : jam of the day / entry 9 – day 167

lostthemoon_johnocallaghan

and for the double whammy // jam of the day: “heart of gold” by neil young

lyrics can be found here.

UPDATE // WARNING — LONG ASS ENTRY AHEAD.

i fully intended to post this the day before or after valentine’s day, but as i mentioned i’ve been pretty damn busy the last several weeks. alas, father time had gotten the better of me, and here i am publishing this entry a mere 6 days after “the day of love.”

truth be told, i don’t really care that much for valentine’s day. it’s kind of a sham, however, the best part about it is that all that glorious candy is 50% the very next day. don’t get me wrong, my partner and i shower the children with fun little mementos and we hug way more than usual that day… and my partner and i exchange cards filled with heartfelt, handwritten messages… shit, okay, maybe i care a *little* about valentine’s day. it’s still pretty fuckin’ dumb to “celebrate love” on a predetermined/set date each year though. love is supposed to be spontaneous (no, not like all that rom-com crap or 50 shades of bullshit type of spontaneity), and that’s part of the beauty of it. to further my point, it’s kind of a slap in the face to those beautiful souls who don’t have anyone to celebrate it with. i think galentine’s day is a newfound type of dumbness and i really could go on. but while i get to “celebrate” comfortably with my forever best friend and soulmate, i can’t help but think about those who don’t have a lover –whether the loss is suffered by separation, or someone’s soul who’s no longer among us.

i’m very empathetic and sympathetic, if you can’t tell. it’s a blessing and a curse.

omg. i got off track again. sorry.
back to the original intention behind this post : the search and conquest for love.

this is a very layered, subjective topic — one i’m personally learning to face head-on, as it’s been a nagging, desparate, pathetic shadow that’s followed me around for almost 13 years now. (oOoOoOh… thirteen, what a symbolic and ominous number, amirite?)

okay, so, the search and conquest for love.
what does this mean?
what does this mean to you?

i’ll give this the old college try, and attempt to narrow it down, as far as what the search and conquest for love means to me.

it boils down to two terrible things.
pause.
i saw this quote the other day, and it slapped me in the face.

rewardforconformity

for me, it seems that love has boiled down to: acceptance and greed.

that sounds so incredibly shallow. i’m not sorry about it, it’s a character flaw that i’m working on, in addition to several other things. it’s okay to have self-realizations, no matter how much they hurt to confront.

acceptance.
greed.
which came first — the chicken or the egg?

i know in regards to my alcoholism and mental illness(es), that my awareness of mental illness came first, i half-ass treated it, then i proceeded to quench that thirst and drown it out with my alcoholism. easy peasy.

as far as acceptance and greed go, though… i’m not so sure.
my longing for acceptance is still an ongoing battle, and it definitely got kickstarted around the exact same time that myspace took off. yes, here i go again with the myspace stuff. to be more encompassing yet precise — social media has A LOT to do with my longing for acceptance.

social media also has A LOT to do with my greed.

since my wake-up call, i’ve deleted and/or deactivated every single account i had — and i started a healthy, more therapeutic outlet — which would be this here “digital diary.”

[consider the acceptance and greed topic as “to be continued…” as the realization of these problems was an exhausting relief and release in their own rights.]

i chose the o’callaghan quote and the neil young song for one simple reason : sometimes whatever it is you think you’re looking for might be right in front of you the whole time.

i chose them because for too long i did my partner a disservice (which ultimately stems back into my alcoholism) and looked for answers to questions that never needed to be asked, i sought approval from those i’d never know, i presented a very believable, pretty picture that was a complete wreck behind the scenes, i wanted to be this majestic creature of metamorphoses, i wanted so badly for people to “like” me… that i became more caught up and tangled in those ideas, instead of me trying to accept and embrace myself for who i am. but the greatest injustice — the most harmful thing i did to myself, my partner…it was in the form of greed, that played out with my alcoholism, where i found myself no longer being able to say “no” or “just one” to having a drink… it became “i’ll just have one more.”

it. all. went. down. from. there.

and THAT is what exacerbated my longing for acceptance, it enhanced my greed, it stole me from myself, my partner, my family, my friends… etc.

i wish i could’ve seen that everything…that i would’ve realized… everything i ever needed or longed for was always right there in front of me. i was just too blind to notice.

but i digress.

and now each morning when i wake… i still occassionally look around me, and see nothing but the dust and destruction i created… but i do a much better job at keeping my eyes and my mind right in front of me, and the future that is to come. i am SO grateful to have a man — that heart of gold — right in front of me, and he believes in me, and he never left me… even when i was gone, and there was a horrible, drunken imitation where i once stood… he never left, and he’s loved me unconditionally through it all.

the weight of sorrow and guilt i feel is something i deal with more than i’d like to share, but nonetheless, i’ve stopped wondering if the grass is greener on the other side… and i am grateful i get to start each day anew, and know that the best is yet to come i’ll get to live it with a hell of a team right by my side.

xo

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