daily entry, personal, recovery

entry 10 – day 172 // graduation day

kindergarten.
high school.
college.
substance abuse recovery program.

all of the above are levels of education i have succesfully completed.

today was THE day. one of the best days i’ve had in almost six months. today is the day i was awarded a diploma for having successfully completed my outpatient program specialized in substance abuse. alcohol abuse specifically. i did it!!!

while i’m extremely happy and proud of myself for everything i’ve done these last 172 days… i’m just getting started. i’m becoming quite comfortable during my journey to recovery, for me, the fight will rage on indefinitely.

before i go any further, i’m going to stop where i am so that i can clarify how i mean by “becoming quite comfortable during my journey to recovery.” it’s understood that if you become complacent in your life of sobriety, you’re ultimately setting yourself up for failure in the long run. i should say that i’m adjusting and adapting very nicely into my journey to recovery.

today has been interesting, to say in the least. it was a day jam-packed with mostly cleaning around the house, attending a group therapy session and came to a close with hosting some friends over at our house. mostly low-key, but it was still very busy… i had ultimately hoped to relax a little bit more than i did, because it was go, go, go all week…however, i digress.

after group therapy ended, i received my diploma, and am now officially gearing up for continuing routine maintenance and aftercare therapy. nonetheless, i’ve reached the other side.

i’d like to backtrack a touch, all the way to september 6, 2016. the day i had my forever last drink.

img_20160906_130114

see that smile plastered (in more ways than one) on my face? this was taken only a couple of hours before i had my wake-up call, aka the pinnacle of life changers, one where i had never felt so… honestly, it was indescribable in only the worst ways imaginable. i have to constantly remind myself that had that day not taken the turn it did… we’ll just say it terrifies me just thinking about it, hell knows who/what/where i would be right now.

september 6, 2016 marked both a death and a birth in my life, and while it destroys me just thinking about everything that happened, i am so fucking happy with who and where i am now, especially knowing the sky is the limit and that anything is possible… in only the best ways imaginable.

i share this picture in order to provide further honesty, transparency and accountability on all levels. a person suffering from alcoholism is not limited to the types of people you’d envision them being: a crumpled up shell of a person who’s homeless, a loud and stumbling and bumbling bafoon who looks a mess, a person who guzzles liquor like it’s going out of style… alcoholism can look like you, it can look like me, it can look like the familiar faces you pass everyday on the street.

today, i’m nothing like the person i see in this picture. i feel honest, free, vulnerable, strong… the most important thing i feel like though, is helping. i want to help others.
if i can help prevent one person from turning out the way i did, it would all be worth it.

i can’t say entirely that “i’m not that person anymore” because i’m still her, only with a clear mind, brighter hopes, and the ability to get through tough shit without getting shitfaced as some sort of reward or compensation for me getting through the day. so instead, i keep this girl tucked in the back of mind, because if i ever forget her and all the chaos and convoluted, erratic thoughts she carried with her… i’d be scared that i might turn back into her one day. i’m still working on self forgiveness, but from here on out, i choose to remain humble and grounded.

when you’re drowning in your own thoughts and self-medicated misery, you ultimately lose sight of everything and everyone around you… and you are no longer you. you are a shitty imitation of yourself, a selfish drunk that’s taken up residency in your mind, body and soul… it is THE loneliest place to be. and i hope that i can stop somebody from making the same mistakes i did.

that buzz and drunken stupor you’ve become so in love with? it’s not worth it. it never was, and it never will be.

i hope that one day later on down the road, that i can become an addiction counselor or therapist. i hope that i can turn my hell into somebody else’s saving grace.

be kind to yourself. you’re worth it. and you’re worthy of love.

xo

1 thought on “entry 10 – day 172 // graduation day”

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