daily entry, personal, recovery

beauty is in the eye of the beholder – pt. 1

in order to maintain some sort of balance and order sanity, i’m making it a point to slow down (if only for 5 minutes out of the day) and appreciate the little things that are generally overlooked or taken for granted.

little things that add up, such as:
– good label and/ or product packaging design
– subtle details and color compositions that typically go unnoticed by the average, untrained eye
– upcycled and/or repurposed bric-à-brac (obscurities and found items that receive unconventional, reimagined TLC)

this past week was not fruitful in the realms of writing, reading, or making any observation that wasn’t required by my job. in fact, it was quite static yet extremely riddled with anxiety. there was no “aha” moment that ever presented itself, and any downtime was spent playing frozen freefall (disney’s version of candy crush).

for the record, as a part of my recovery i’m also learning how to cope with my depression, which is something that existed long before my alcoholism. they fanned each other’s flames, operating as my own personal codependent and cyclical, toxic internal whirlwind… and just because i’m safe from one self-inflicted storm, doesn’t mean i’m in the clear yet.

it’s been a learning process, figuring out how to ride things out… when your chest is as tight as a drum and you’re certain you’re on the brink of being nothing more than an inconsolable waste of space. (at least for a couple of hours, until your body can’t take the weeping anymore.)

last week was abnormally rough, and there were too many times throughout it, that i felt lonely beyond belief. i sat down the night of my 6th month “rebirth” milestone and realized that since september, i had only one friend wish me happy birthday (in early january, and haven’t heard from them since), and one other friend reach out to me, (in late february) when they found it convenient (for the first time since i got sober).

i’m sure i have no one or nothing else to blame but myself, however, i’ve made it through an entire outpatient addiction recovery program and a whole bunch of legal stuff (that i’ll save for some other day, when i decide to share my story)… and there was nobody there to…well, even talk to. no one to talk to about life, thoughts that passed through our minds, sacrifices, rewards… no one to talk to about pop culture, world events, ways to make an impact… no one to share jokes with or even sit and listen to each other’s silence. it’s been hard, and for all the times over the last few years when i felt alone… i never even had a clue and was too stupid and selfish to make sure i nurtured what friendships i still had. you don’t know what you have until it’s truly gone, right?

so here i am, grateful for my tight-knit circle of immediate family members (who also kind of dropped off the radar after i started to dust myself off and get my shit together)… and there are SO many other things i’m grateful for… but it’s disheartening to sit there and look through your text messages and realize you’ve heard from two people (only one time from each of them) in the last six months, and feel the weight start to pile up on your shoulders… it’s hard and it sucks. my attempts at reaching out to people were probably too little too late… c’est la vie.

here’s to making it to the here and now, and perpetually knowing tomorrow will always be the first day of my/your/our life. appreciate the little things, friends. they really do add up.

xo

2 thoughts on “beauty is in the eye of the beholder – pt. 1”

  1. What a fantastic habit to have! Life seems to become more fast-paced as we get older, and it can make something as simple as taking a few minutes to “stop and smell the roses” seem like such an impossible feat. It’s so cool to have times like that happen organically, but some days it’s like if you don’t set a daily timer to inform you it’s time to take a second and just exist, you can find yourself spending time regretting not slowing down more often… instead of using THAT time for something more beneficial to your well-being.

    Like

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