daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

jam of the day: save myself by ed sheeran

i got nothing.
this song resonates so much with my past, the present, and things to remember in the future.

no, i’m not drinking or taking pills… but i’ve done things in the past… and, well, i almost broke down completely after i finally listened to the song all the way through.

i love ed sheeran, but i couldn’t bring myself to listen to this song.
until now.

xo

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breath
I gave away my money and now we don’t even speak
I drove miles and miles but would you do the same for me
Oh honestly?

Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on and on

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain
Cause human beings are destined to radiate or drain
What line do we stand upon cause from here it looks the same?
And only scars remain

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

But if I don’t then I’ll go back to where I’m rescuing a stranger
Just because they needed saving, just like that
Oh I’m here again, between the devil and the danger
But I guess it’s just my nature
My dad was wrong, cause I’m not like my mum
Cause she’d just smile and I’m complaining in a song, but it helps
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
Or drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself

daily entry, misc, personal, recovery

don’t call it a comeback

well, maybe you can, i don’t know.
i haven’t forgotten about this outlet i’ve so poorly neglected.

i’ve written tons of posts in my mind, but sadly they’ve since faded with time…
…i can say, i’ve been much more active on instagram, and find it further therepeutic since i can attach images along with thoughts and quotes, and if there’s one thing i’ll never grow tired of, it’s capturing moments and giving them further life.

in the meantime, here’s some quick links to milestones that have happened over the last 16 days:

throwback to july 2016, and how much has changed since then.

i shared a friendly reminder from my house, to yours.

as a separate part of my sober life, it was required for me to take an intensive class over the duration of three nights, and part of it included having to share my story, at length, to a room that contained only 1/6 of its students admitting to being alcoholics. the rest of them were seeminly only present due to one night’s worth of bad decisions.

i celebrated seven months of sobriety!!!

world health day was on 04.07.17 with an emphasis on depression

my daughter celebrated her ninth birthday.

xo

daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal

jam of the day – day 199

guys!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE DAYS SOBER!!! WAHOO!!!

anyway, today’s pick is “mene” by brand new.

since beginning recovery and entering a life of sobriety, this song in particular has taken on a different meaning for me. without breaking it down line by line, i hear this song as more of a challenging question rather than an angry demand. especially the lines “we walked to the edge but we never leapt, what sings to you when you disconnect?” since i quit drinking and began grabbing my depression by the horns, i’ve really had to rewire my thought process and means of dealing with difficult situations. while it will always hurt immensenly to feel everything when you’re sure the world is about to cave in on you, it is so much better to be in tune with your heart, mind, and soul, then to turn to a substance in hopes of chasing an answer and relief you’ll never find.

i have learned and accepted that it so much better to roll with the punches, than it is to alter your perception of the world around you.

over the last 14 years, brand new’s music has taken me and been with me through both heaven and hell. (naturally this album makes so much more sense looking back in retrospect.)

i could probably write novels (yes, novels, as in plural) about everything i can either:
– associate a brand new lyric, song, or album with
and/or
– how much a brand new song, lyric or album means to me

brand new is, hands down, my favorite band — and they’ll probably stay that way for as long as i live. seriously. it literally feels like just yesterday when i saw the video for “the quiet things that no one ever knows” for the first time. i was still a teenager in high school, and i was up late one night watching MTV (when they still played music videos) and i remember thinking “holy shit” about the video and the song itself. i remember buying deja entendu the day it came out…. and it’s basically been a done deal ever since : brand new 4 ever.

enjoy.
xo


How does everything start and end?
Come gather now and lay this beast to rest

I kept hearing trumpets, got my hearing checked
Your father spoke a prophecy
To think that I believed is self-centered of me
There was something that I was trying to say
But then I choked on it and now it’s getting kinda late

We walked to the edge but we never leapt,
What sings to you when you disconnect

Written on the wall, the letters plain and tall,
This is my own fault
We don’t feel anything

I still cower at eternal wrath though
Don’t want my fear to become my shadow
I want to invade my thoughts, I want to die in Kyoto

The ocean never sleeps or dreams,
It never stops to ponder what it sees
Committed to its satellite, no one can move you man and no one’s ever going to try.

All the tides are married to the moon
All I want is for my heart to be as true

Written on the wall, the letters plain and tall
This is my own fault
We don’t feel anything
Not gone but fading fast
So let me put to rest
The only question that you’ll ask

We don’t feel anything

jam of the day, misc, personal, saturday's song

saturday’s song – day 193

today’s pick is “road to joy” by bright eyes.

this song is a fun one. a dark one, but a fun one.

conor oberst (bright eyes) served up some of the best analytical, observant, wry and melodramatic lyrics back in the late ’90s and early ’00s. particularly when it came to self realizations (and the self-medicated, tortured artist soul), culture, politics, and all the in-between.

naturally, as the artist and audience begin to grow and mature, certain songs and albums can start to become less relatable and looked back upon as merely commentary for/about people coming of age. the beauty of it all is, as one group of listeners outgrow particular albums and/or genres, those songs left behind start to take hold of a new generation and interpretations can take on whole new meanings… breathing life back into something that was on the cusp of being placed back on a dusty shelf, and saved for a rainy day.

it’s so neat how powerful music is and can be.

enjoy.
xo


The sun came up with no conclusion

Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city’s cemetery’s humming
I’m wide-awake, it’s morning

I have my drugs, I have my woman
They keep away my loneliness
My parents have they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses

I read the body count out of the paper
And now it’s written all over my face
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes that’s just the most comfortable place

So I’m drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I’m on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But cant keep up with what I got

I hope I don’t sound too ungrateful
What history gave modern man
A telephone to talk to strangers
Machine guns and a camera lens

So when you’re asked to fight a war that’s over nothing
It’s best to join the side that’s gonna win
And no one’s sure how all of this got started
But we’re gonna make them goddam certain how its gonna end
Oh ya we will, oh ya we will!

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else’s voice
But failure’s always sounded better
Let’s fuck it up boys, make some noise!

The sun came up with no conclusion
Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city’s cemetery’s humming
I’m wide-awake, it’s morning