personal, recovery

12.10.17 | Day 460 | Musings + Reflections

IMG_1727

Let’s talk about art. Art, much like the meaning of life (among other things), is subjective; whatever our minds yield and what we then choose to make of it.

There’s a saying that goes something like “you’re allowed to be both a work in progress and a masterpiece at the same time,” and as cliché as it is, it is abso-fucking-lutely true.

If there’s one thing that is just as true, it is that it is possible to create something magnificent out of something once considered completely destroyed. And if this new-ish life of sobriety + in recovery has taught me anything, it is that from the debris left behind by our destruction, that we can unearth our true self, breathe new life into it, and ultimately create this beautiful, ever-evolving version of self that we once thought impossible when we only knew ourself to be little more than our addiction and/or internal suffering.

And alas, art is formed. Our truths are to be used as our canvases, and our stories and strengths are our mediums which we build upon. (Omg this sounds much more corny when I read it aloud, but no fucks are given bc I’m pouring my heart into this and have been writing these words in my head all day.)

Anyway, all this shit has been thoroughly thought through, full-circle, and the carefully selected quotes I journaled for my literary mood board have served me immensely over the last several days. I chose to read Rowe’s words from a recovering alcoholic point-of-view, and it stoked the flames within me that previously felt like they were uncomfortably quieting down. Earlier this week I began entering into a mild depressive spell, and began feeling more full of malaise than anything. It sucked. I found myself inaudibly moping and what was even worse was the noticeable fact I was slipping into a genuine indifference about the hazy, nebulous fog making its way into my brain.

So today I did some things, and put in some work, read + wrote some words, and… my mind, body, and soul started screaming “happy, happy, joy, joy” a la Ren & Stimpy, and fuck me sideways Susan, I sit behind this keyboard a happy woman yet again. (See previous IG post for my dumb face plastered with a big, stupid smile. Bc fuck yeah sobriety + all them authentic feels that come along with a clear mind!!!)

And as I sit here on my happy little clouds (the theme for this post is art, and if you don’t understand “happy little clouds” without having to use Dr. Google, then we need to have a serious talk), it’s because the creative wheels in my mind are turning, and the optimistic realist in me is planning out attainable goals — which are centered around creating: writing, learning, helping, and teaching — and I can feel myself starting to really uproot from out of this stagnation I’ve been subtly yet noticeably sinking into.

If you know me and/or been following my journey at all, you can see I have a very full plate, so maybe you’re wondering how/why I could possibly feel stagnant (play along even if you have no clue where I’m going with this — but hey, if you’ve read this far.. THANK YOU 🖤)… it’s because despite having a loaded calendar, I am aware I’m not evolving in a way that feels fulfilling to me. I’ve noticed behavioral patterns creeping back in, that while I do not fear a relapse, I know the warning signs for more situationally triggered depression, and I’m not having any of that shit. No, thank you. I’ve had my ebbs and flows with depression spells triggered by hormones and exhaustion, but now that I’ve settled more into my life of sobriety, I recognize these behavioral shifts as something I am responsible for + need to take control over, ASAP.

With baby steps towards transformation, and a “progress, not perfection” mindset I’m re-evaluating traits that need to be mindfully explored and worked on as a woman, mother, and wife… Finding ways to make it a priority to learn, discover, and write more (i.e. transition more lengthy posts –like this one– from IG onto a more suitable platform, like this here currently content deprived blog)… which allows for more consideration in the form of research + mental stimulation, as well as more proper proofreading… My biggest end goal is to eventually be able to become a professional counselor or therapist specializing in substance abuse (something along those lines), and use my story + voice as a means of helping others reclaim their lives and possess the ability to rewrite their stories.

However, I cannot accomplish any of these things unless I keep my sobriety first, continue to do the next right thing, and always make sure to live life one day at a time.

P.S. – Shoutout to Hip SobrietyLaura McKowen for being the bodacious trailblazers they are, and helping carve the way for all of us speaking up + unapologetically recovering out loud in a society that very much needs leaders like these ladies, to shine a light on the underbelly of our booze-soaked culture and exposing stats and truths for what they really are.

P.P.S. – And another huge shoutout to @SoberSavasana on her acceptance to Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Graduate School of Addiction Studies!!!

 

daily entry, personal, recovery

day 318 – so, i had an awakening…

anaisnin_ownworld

So, here’s a #FlashbackFriday to this past #TransformationTuesday: The Spiritual Edition (if you’d like to see the holy shit visual/selfie version, take a looksie at my IG. Linked on the right side of your screen .)

So, my insomnia has decided to resurface, and with that comes an open gate / onset slew of events: severe flashbacks, intense feelings of regret, shame, and guilt, a tsunami of emotions, internal exploration, brief and simultaneous exchanges of incredibly short episodes of mild mania and depression, an increased desire to write and an increased desire to reel it all back. My insomnia enjoys being the life of the party, because when this bitch shows up, it thrives on throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me just to see what my reaction will be.

I gotta break it to ya, insomnia, I got some tricks up my sleeve this go-round, and you’re not going to bring me down because AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. (this time.)

Anyway, as I tossed and turned until the wee hours of the morning, I had a most beautiful breakthrough that ultimately resulted in a profound epiphany, and I felt alive. And terribly awake. Da fuq cares if it was almost 1:30 in the morning? This bitch had a motherfuckin’ epiphany. And it was glorious. And painful. And conflicting. And I debated 18 billion different times on whether I wanted to go furiously write down everything racing through my mind or not, and finally my brain flatlined (or my sleep-aid kicked in, idk) and I finally fell asleep.

This morning felt different. I felt different. I felt invigorated. I felt happy. I felt proud. I felt good. I felt peaceful. You see, last night as I darted in and out of flashbacks and in-depth reflections, I was sidelined with a pure moment of clarity – and all of a sudden, SO MANY THINGS made SO MUCH SENSE.

I spent so much of my time during active addiction trying to paint myself and my life to be this tragic and romantic tale, an undiscovered muse sucked into a domesticated life, where things were periodically bleak, and despite having a lover a kid and friends (and stability), I thrived on keeping my soul in a tormented state and found myself continuing to try and try and try to be all these things I simply wasn’t. I lived and breathed and longed to be a manic pixie dream girl, and I tried to like all the “right” things, I tried to steer clear of mainstream and monotony, and I flailed and pouted and sought so many (wrong) things in so all the (wrong) ways as best as I could, for as long as I could.

And last night, I sat there retracing all my steps and then it ALL hit me HARD. I spent so much time seeking approval and attention from so many people, despite me keeping myself in denial that I was doing such because I didn’t want to admit I was wasting an endless amount of time and energy — all to just keep myself in this stupid hamster wheel and too scared to jump off. Because I just wanted someone and something (“someone” meaning seeking validation, acceptance and attention from others, and “something” being alcohol used as fuel to keep this negative flame and my candle burning at both ends)… and as I sat there scavenging in my own mind + scrolling through quotes on self-care… IT happened. That epiphany and clarity of realizing: I NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY ELSE TO SAVE ME EXCEPT FOR MYSELF. If I couldn’t ever love myself, how and why in the fuck was I thinking anything or anyone else would do it for me?

I’ve spent so long being this sadomasochist with myself and tried so hard to repel and push and pull at everything, kicking and screaming, and longing and it was all because I never loved or accepted myself. And I never loved or accepted (fully) that all these other “things” I was searching for – besides the whole self-love thing – it had all been there the ENTIRE time. Waiting. Patiently. For me to come around, and thank God I had a chance to wake up before everything I ever needed disappeared out of my life – and then it all sunk in that I could let go of all my old ideas and beliefs… just let it all go because I became painfully aware that I had to stop building up these fantasies and longing to be this special “thing” in the eyes of others… and that I have to be my own superhero, my own muse, my own princess in shining armor, or however the fuck you want to look at this… I let myself down for so long and tried to find it everywhere else but inside of me.

And this whole “a-ha” thing had me SO shook to my bones, that I felt electric this morning as I crawled out from under my sheets and I’ve been walking on sunshine ever since. If I only maintain this feeling for today, I’m okay with that, because I have learned something new. Something profound. On my own, but with the help of others (unbeknownst to them, more or less), and for all of this – I am grateful. I am aware – and all of these wonderful thoughts and growing pains have all been made completely possible because I’m learning to slowly but surely let go of everything I let weigh me down for so many years. And it is love and it is light and it is everything.

And you are everything, and I hope that you know that. And if you don’t know or see that right now, give it time and let it grow and you will reap the benefits. And every waking second until you find and love yourself, I hope you know that you are worth it. And you are enough. You are so enough.

I love you all. xo

daily entry, jam of the day, misc, recovery

day 311 – you look greatest when…

okay, so this song does and doesn’t have a ton of substance to it…
however, i really appreciate the message it sends, especially considering the fact i’m raising a daughter who’s not slowing down in age, and the older she gets, the faster time keeps flying.

this song is more of a “feel good” / “love the skin you’re in” type of song, and sometimes we just need a good ol’ bop to sing along to and really pump ourselves up.

…and there’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

alas, here’s my choice for today’s jam of the day – “most girls” by hailee steinfeld

“Some girls, feel best in their tiny dresses
Some girls, nothin’ but sweatpants, looking like a princess
Some girls, kiss new lips every single night
They’re stayin’ out late cause they just celebrating life

You know some days you feel so good in your own skin
But it’s okay if you wanna change the body that you came in
‘Cause you look greatest when you feel like a damn queen
We’re all just playing a game in a way, trying to win at life

Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful
Most girls, work hard, go far, we are unstoppable
Most girls, our fight to make every day, no two are the same
I wanna be like, I wanna be like, most girls

They’re stayin’ out late cause they just celebratin’
I wanna be like, I wanna be like

Some girls, like to keep their physique real private
Some girls, wear jeans so tight, ’cause it feels so right, yeah
Some girls, every day searching, keep the page turning
Sleepin’ in late cause they just celebrating life

You know some days you feel so good in your own skin
But it’s okay if you wanna change the body that you came in
‘Cause you look greatest when you feel like a damn queen
We’re all just playing a game in a way, trying to win at life

Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful
Most girls, work hard, go far, we are unstoppable
Most girls, our fight to make every day, no two are the same
I wanna be like, I wanna be like, most girls
I wanna be like, I wanna be like

They’re stayin’ out late cause they just celebratin’
I wanna be like, I wanna be like

Most girls, our fight to make every day, no two are the same
I wanna be like…

Most girls
I wanna be like, I wanna be like, most girls
They’re stayin’ out late cause they just celebratin’ life.”

jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

day 292 – wild and fluorescent

lorde’s new album, “melodrama” is 100% pure perfection. and i am utterly in love with “supercut.”

i spent this evening out on the waterfront watching the sunset, wind warm and gentle, observing families and lovers and friends bumbling about eating ice cream and enjoying one another’s company, and lastly i sat at the edge of the boardwalk staring up at the capital wheel as it lit up the night with its vibrancy. i imagine this is what complete bliss is supposed to feel like. i’m on my own little cloud right now, dancing all by myself. and i am happy. so, so happy.

i hope wherever you are, that you’re happy too. you deserve to be happy.
xo

In my head, I play a supercut of us
All the magic we gave off
All the love we had and lost

And in my head
The visions never stop
These ribbons wrap me up
But when I reach for you
There’s just a supercut

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
I’m someone you maybe might love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

So I fall
Into continents and cars
All the stages and the stars
I turn all of it
To just a supercut

‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)
We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
Slow motion, I’m watching our love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

Cause in my head, in my head, I do everything right
When you call I’ll forgive and not fight
All the moments I play in the dark
Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
In my head, I do everything right

personal, recovery

it’s just a spark.

9

How many months I’ve been sober.

This has been, without a doubt, the most exquisite and excruciating but ultimately liberating adventure I’ve ever endured. The growing pains this evolution has provided is only parallel to the intense insanity that is motherhood, except on this ride — I’m finally nurturing myself.

Over the last nine months I’ve ripped so many skeletons out of my closet, I’ve gently but forcefully excavated a lot of my inner demons, and I finally pulled back the rug I’ve swept all my grotesque complexities and turmoil under; all the things that tormented me inside, that I chose to simultaneously fuel and suppress with alcohol, I’ve slowly but surely been facing them all. And you know what? It not only feels good… it feels even better… because it’s finally all feeling real.

I’ve ceased cheapening and/or forging emotions and experiences, both the good and the bad. It’s been far from natty and I’m ten million percent okay with that. Some days it’s been hard, some days it’s been easy; regardless, it’s been constructive and invaluable, day in and day out.

I’ve been learning to really tune into my inner intuition and have been making progress by: no longer suffering in silence and instead choosing to cope and communicate, learning to become more assertive without being entirely aggressive, when I feel myself becoming desolate I put forth my best efforts to find magic in the mundane, and pushed myself in other areas of discomfort and unfamiliarity, in order to flourish absolutely. Ultimately, I’m learning to transition into becoming as unapologetically myself as possible. I’ve got so much to say and I’m done hiding in the shadows; I’m ready to shake up the world and hopefully change some lives.

Along with this thorough admission of shortcomings and triumphs, I issued an apology to all of my friends. Well, the few friends I have left. I lost most of my friends over the years because I chose to have a “better” friendship with alcohol.

Almost every single one of my friends has seen me three sheets to the wind at one point. Or at ten points, depending on who they are. While this isn’t as personal or intimate as I’d like this apology to be, it’ll have to do until I’m able to see them in person and tell them straight to their face. Too many times have they all seen me trying to self-medicate and compensate myself for making it through another 24 hours of my life. Because nothing says “feel better” or “you deserve this” or “you’ve worked so hard today” or “I love you” like watering down your thoughts and drowning your feelings, right? Everyone I know, and myself, deserves better than what I’ve given them in the past. While I can’t change what I’ve done, what I’ve said, what I can remember and what only comes back to me in shattered recollections, I can wholeheartedly tell them that I’ve killed who I once was and I only pull out her image when I need a reminder of how far I’ve come.

During the last nine months I’ve been able to not only unlearn how to destroy, I’ve been remembering how to create, I’ve been able to fully immerse myself in experiences and emotions, I’ve learned more things about myself in the last 9 months than I’ve been able to accomplish over the last 10 years. And this party is just getting started.

Most importantly, I’ve been able to become the best mother, wife, daughter, and the best version of myself I can be. My potential in life knows no bounds, and I look forward to the future instead of hanging on to the past. My past is ugly, it’s messy, it’s shameful — but it’s made me who I am today, and for that I am grateful.

Once my kids are less dependent on me, I plan on going back to school to study and become a substance abuse counselor, and use my voice, my love, and my soul to help make this world a better place. I want to show, inspire, encourage and empower others to know that if they are being swallowed whole by their addiction(s), that there is hope. I want to show them that recovery and happiness are possible. I should know, because I’m living proof.

I love you all. xo