daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

jam of the day: save myself by ed sheeran

i got nothing.
this song resonates so much with my past, the present, and things to remember in the future.

no, i’m not drinking or taking pills… but i’ve done things in the past… and, well, i almost broke down completely after i finally listened to the song all the way through.

i love ed sheeran, but i couldn’t bring myself to listen to this song.
until now.

xo

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breath
I gave away my money and now we don’t even speak
I drove miles and miles but would you do the same for me
Oh honestly?

Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on and on

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain
Cause human beings are destined to radiate or drain
What line do we stand upon cause from here it looks the same?
And only scars remain

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

But if I don’t then I’ll go back to where I’m rescuing a stranger
Just because they needed saving, just like that
Oh I’m here again, between the devil and the danger
But I guess it’s just my nature
My dad was wrong, cause I’m not like my mum
Cause she’d just smile and I’m complaining in a song, but it helps
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
Or drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself

jam of the day, personal

jam of the day – day 173

psa: i love ed sheeran.

absolutely no bones about it, he’s been my favorite current pop star for a few years now, hands down. besides the obvious (oh hai, cute ginger boy) he’s INSANE live. did i say insane? because…guys….whew.

[brb, gotta calm myself down]

i was also insane and decided it was a good idea to go see him play his largest US show yet (he had just kicked off his fourth leg in the US for his “X” tour), in the texas heat, in the pit area, when i was 20+ weeks pregnant with my son… BY MYSELF.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG, RIGHT?!

well, after having to sit down a few times… guys, i got there before they opened the gates to let the crowd into the stadium (around 3-ish?) and ed didn’t take the stage until around 9 or so. i’d smuggled several bottles of water down to the pit/floor area with me, i was so close all the way up until the intermission between christina perri and ed’s set… and i got hit with a serious bout of dizziness and fatigue. humidity and long bouts of standing stationary were not my friends at all throughout that pregnancy.

i remember trying to fight back the tears as i made my way to the side area on the floor, sitting down and promptly bawling my eyes out. i had been looking forward to this show since it was announced in mid-spring, i looked forward to it because i couldn’t wait to experience the rush only a well played show can give you… i may or may not have watched taped performances of his from previously played shows or radio visits… all i know is, i had been beyond fangirl excited for ages, and here i was, about as close as i thought i could get to the stage… only to find myself sitting on the outskirts of the pit/floor area, sobbing like a baby, fingers crossed that i wouldn’t pass out. i nursed my cold bottles of water and slowly nibbled on a hot dog i had also stashed in my knapsack, and i prayed to a god i don’t believe in, just to let me make it through this performance.

needless to say, i got my second wind only a few minutes before ed took the stage.

i found myself singing (screaming) every single word to every single song — i shit you not, some young teenage guy in front of me even stopped to turn around during “you need me, i don’t need you” because i was the only one in that centralized mass of people that apparently could keep up with ed and his song. before his set was even close to done, i had made my way to where i was one “row” away from the barricades that separated the audience from the stage. my adreneline was close to an all-time high… and, yeah i was pregnant… but even if i could’ve drank, i don’t think that show would’ve had the same impact on me if i had attended it drunk. it was that good, it was worth giving ed sheeran your full-blown, sober attention. his presence commanded that, and it was one of the best experiences of my life.

as i headed back to my car, a pregnant and sweaty mess, i couldn’t help but smile the entire walk to my car and the entire drive home. like i said, i went to this show all by myself, because none of my friends are really into radio pop.

if i may be so bold — ED SHEERAN IS THE REAL FUCKIN’ DEAL, AND I DON’T CARE WHAT KIND OF MUSIC YOU LIKE, HE’S THE BEST POP STAR THERE IS RIGHT NOW. it is unreal the things a man, his loop pedal, and his child-like energy can do to a person, is out of this world. it was worth every single second and cent.

so, with that being said, today’s jam is a live performance of “bloodstream” by ed sheeran.

i further suggest watching the video for the same song, featuring rudimental, and starring ray liotta — because the lyrics and the song itself are quite powerful, and if you are either a current alcoholic or a current recovering alcoholic — you’ll appreciate this song and it’s respective music video that much more.

xo

I’ve been spinning now for time
Couple women by my side
I got sinning on my mind
Sipping on red wine
I’ve been sitting here for ages
Ripping out the pages
How’d I get so faded?
How’d I get so faded?

Oh, no, no, don’t leave me alone lonely now
If you loved me how’d you never learn?
Oh, coloured crimson in my eyes
One or two could free my mind
This is how it ends.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
Fading out again.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
So tell me when it kicks in

Well, tell me when it kicks in

I’ve been looking for a lover
Thought I’d find her in a bottle
God, make me another one
I’ll be feeling this tomorrow
Lord, forgive me for the things I’ve done
I was never meant to hurt no one
I saw scars upon a broken-hearted lover

Oh, no, no, don’t leave me alone lonely now
If you loved me how’d you never learn?
Oh, coloured crimson in my eyes
One or two could free my mind
This is how it ends.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
Fading out again.
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
So tell me when it kicks in

Well, tell me when it kicks in

All the voices in my mind
Calling out across the line

Tell me when it kicks in
I saw scars upon her
Tell me when it kicks in
Broken hearted