jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

day 292 – wild and fluorescent

lorde’s new album, “melodrama” is 100% pure perfection. and i am utterly in love with “supercut.”

i spent this evening out on the waterfront watching the sunset, wind warm and gentle, observing families and lovers and friends bumbling about eating ice cream and enjoying one another’s company, and lastly i sat at the edge of the boardwalk staring up at the capital wheel as it lit up the night with its vibrancy. i imagine this is what complete bliss is supposed to feel like. i’m on my own little cloud right now, dancing all by myself. and i am happy. so, so happy.

i hope wherever you are, that you’re happy too. you deserve to be happy.
xo

In my head, I play a supercut of us
All the magic we gave off
All the love we had and lost

And in my head
The visions never stop
These ribbons wrap me up
But when I reach for you
There’s just a supercut

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
I’m someone you maybe might love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

So I fall
Into continents and cars
All the stages and the stars
I turn all of it
To just a supercut

‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)
We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
Slow motion, I’m watching our love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

Cause in my head, in my head, I do everything right
When you call I’ll forgive and not fight
All the moments I play in the dark
Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
In my head, I do everything right

daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

hey! guess what?

i’m not dead, or fallen off the wagon, or anything like that.
(today is day 254 for my life in sobriety and recovery.)

i CANNOT wait to have alone time to fully pour my heart and soul into some entries once i get to my destination for my upcoming business trip.

i’ve found it best and easiest to fully immerse myself in writing and letting my thoughts and feelings flow when i’m 100% by myself.

however, i’m taking a quick break from entering in my 23,984,732,908,473,294,872 work orders, because i’m trying to salvage what bit of sanity i have at this millisecond — mmm, probably doesn’t help my toddler son is teething and/or growing and has established an absolutely unpredictable sleep pattern over the last seven days — because i have to gush and share a three part “jam of the day.”

y’all i love pop-punk. and while this band is now identifying as “genre-neutral” i love them just the same… if not, more than ever.

the older i get, the more i understand and appreciate how musical artists grow and evolve. over the last 14 years, i’ve gone from a wee, angsty “i can’t believe XYZ band made such a shitty album as their follow-up from a ‘perfect’ album” person, to a reflective soul who now thinks “wow, this is so cool being able to grow up alongside these artists and feel the emotion and understand the meanings, metaphors and themes behind certain songs and really identify with these people as humans.

i guess that’s part of maturity, right?

anyways, paramore has put out a nearly perfect new album, “after laughter.”
i shit you not, i’ve already listened to the album at least fifteen times since they dropped it this past friday, may 12.

so, i’m doing a MAJOR “jam of the day” by going hard with not one, not two — but THREE songs. i’m doing this, because i HIGHLY encourage you to listen to all three, in order, so you can ride this beautiful, turbulent roller coaster along with me. gaaaahhh — I FUCKING LOVE THE FEELS — ALL OF THEM.
xo

without further ado:

song 1/3 – “idle worship”

“Standing here like I’m supposed to say something
Don’t hold your breath, I never said I’d save you, honey
And I don’t want your money
If I was you I’d run from me or rip me open
You’ll see you’re not the only one who’s hopeless
Be sure to put your faith in something more
I’m just a girl and you’re not as alone as you feel
We all got problems, don’t we?
We all need heroes, don’t we?
But rest assured there’s not a single person here who’s worthy

Don’t let me let you down

Hey, baby I’m not your superhuman
And if that’s what you want
I hate to let you down
I got your hopes up
Now I got you hoping
But I’m gonna be the one that let you down

Oh, it’s such a long and awful lonely fall
Down from this pedestal that you keep putting me on
What if I fall on my face?
What if I make a mistake?
If it’s okay a little grace would be appreciated
Remember how we used to like ourselves?
What little light that’s left, we need to keep it sacred
I know that you’re afraid to let all the dark escape ya
But we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

Just let me let you down

Hey, baby I’m not your superhuman
And if that’s what you want
I hate to let you down
I got your hopes up
Now I got you hoping
But I’m gonna be the one that let you down

Oh, no, I ain’t your hero
You’re wasting all your faith on me
Oh, no, I know where this goes
Think it’s safe to say your savior doesn’t look a thing like me

Don’t let me let you down

Hey, baby I’m not your superhuman
And if that’s what you want
I hate to let you down
I got your hopes up
Now I got you hoping
But I’m gonna be the one that let you down”

song 2/3 – “no friend”

“Another brick-red room
Another black-top town
Another misspelled band burning their own houses down
Another pine-box tune to fill the cemetery day another stay
A touch of orange over purgatory gray
Another thorny field to scatter fruitless seed
Another song that runs too long
God knows no one needs more misguided ghosts
More transparent hands to drop a nickel in our basket
And we’ll do our riot! dance beneath another burning sky
Behind our painted lips in scares of catatonic smile-covered ankle-bitten ships
So throw your pedestal of stone in the forgetful sea as protection from the paper-thin perfection you project on me
When this repetition ends behind the window shades,
A semi-conscious sorrow sleeping in the bed I’ve made
That most unrestful bed, that most original of sins
And you’ll say that’s what I get when I let ambition win again
I’d hate to let you down
So I’ll let the waters rise and drown my dull reflection
In the naïve expectation in your eyes back in a cast bit-part
Back when I felt most free
I had a butcher’s heart and no one thought they knew me
So before the regiment resumes
Before the dreaded sun appears
My driver’s waiting so let’s make one point crystal clear:
You see a flood-lit form, I see a shirt design
I’m no savior of yours and you’re no friend of mine”

song 3/3 – “tell me how”

“I can’t call you a stranger
But I can’t call you
I know you think that I erased you
You may hate me but I can’t hate you
And I won’t replace you

Tell me how to feel about you now?
Tell me how to feel about you now?
Oh oh let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

Think I’m tired of getting over it
And just starting something new again
I’m getting sick of the beginnings
And always coming to your defenses

Guess it’s good to get it off my chest
Guess I can’t believe I haven’t yet
You know I got my own convictions
And they’re stronger than any addiction
But no one’s winning

Tell me how to feel about you now?
Tell me how to feel about you now?
Oh oh let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

Tell me how to feel about you now?
Tell me how to feel about you now?
Oh oh let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

Keep me up with your silence
Take me down with your quiet
Of all the weapons you fight with
Your silence is the most violent

Tell me how to feel about you now?
Tell me how to feel about you now?
Oh oh let me know
Do I suffocate or let go?

You don’t have to tell me
If you ever think of me
I know you see me dancing wildly in the fog
Of your memory
You don’t have to tell me
I can still believe…”

daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

jam of the day: save myself by ed sheeran

i got nothing.
this song resonates so much with my past, the present, and things to remember in the future.

no, i’m not drinking or taking pills… but i’ve done things in the past… and, well, i almost broke down completely after i finally listened to the song all the way through.

i love ed sheeran, but i couldn’t bring myself to listen to this song.
until now.

xo

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breath
I gave away my money and now we don’t even speak
I drove miles and miles but would you do the same for me
Oh honestly?

Offered up my shoulder just for you to cry upon
Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm
They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song
It goes on and on and on

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain
Cause human beings are destined to radiate or drain
What line do we stand upon cause from here it looks the same?
And only scars remain

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

But if I don’t then I’ll go back to where I’m rescuing a stranger
Just because they needed saving, just like that
Oh I’m here again, between the devil and the danger
But I guess it’s just my nature
My dad was wrong, cause I’m not like my mum
Cause she’d just smile and I’m complaining in a song, but it helps
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
Or drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills
And all the ones that love me, they just left me on the shelf, no farewell
So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself
And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself

daily entry, jam of the day, misc, personal

jam of the day – day 199

guys!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE HUNDRED NINETY-NINE DAYS SOBER!!! WAHOO!!!

anyway, today’s pick is “mene” by brand new.

since beginning recovery and entering a life of sobriety, this song in particular has taken on a different meaning for me. without breaking it down line by line, i hear this song as more of a challenging question rather than an angry demand. especially the lines “we walked to the edge but we never leapt, what sings to you when you disconnect?” since i quit drinking and began grabbing my depression by the horns, i’ve really had to rewire my thought process and means of dealing with difficult situations. while it will always hurt immensenly to feel everything when you’re sure the world is about to cave in on you, it is so much better to be in tune with your heart, mind, and soul, then to turn to a substance in hopes of chasing an answer and relief you’ll never find.

i have learned and accepted that it so much better to roll with the punches, than it is to alter your perception of the world around you.

over the last 14 years, brand new’s music has taken me and been with me through both heaven and hell. (naturally this album makes so much more sense looking back in retrospect.)

i could probably write novels (yes, novels, as in plural) about everything i can either:
– associate a brand new lyric, song, or album with
and/or
– how much a brand new song, lyric or album means to me

brand new is, hands down, my favorite band — and they’ll probably stay that way for as long as i live. seriously. it literally feels like just yesterday when i saw the video for “the quiet things that no one ever knows” for the first time. i was still a teenager in high school, and i was up late one night watching MTV (when they still played music videos) and i remember thinking “holy shit” about the video and the song itself. i remember buying deja entendu the day it came out…. and it’s basically been a done deal ever since : brand new 4 ever.

enjoy.
xo


How does everything start and end?
Come gather now and lay this beast to rest

I kept hearing trumpets, got my hearing checked
Your father spoke a prophecy
To think that I believed is self-centered of me
There was something that I was trying to say
But then I choked on it and now it’s getting kinda late

We walked to the edge but we never leapt,
What sings to you when you disconnect

Written on the wall, the letters plain and tall,
This is my own fault
We don’t feel anything

I still cower at eternal wrath though
Don’t want my fear to become my shadow
I want to invade my thoughts, I want to die in Kyoto

The ocean never sleeps or dreams,
It never stops to ponder what it sees
Committed to its satellite, no one can move you man and no one’s ever going to try.

All the tides are married to the moon
All I want is for my heart to be as true

Written on the wall, the letters plain and tall
This is my own fault
We don’t feel anything
Not gone but fading fast
So let me put to rest
The only question that you’ll ask

We don’t feel anything

jam of the day, misc, personal, saturday's song

saturday’s song – day 193

today’s pick is “road to joy” by bright eyes.

this song is a fun one. a dark one, but a fun one.

conor oberst (bright eyes) served up some of the best analytical, observant, wry and melodramatic lyrics back in the late ’90s and early ’00s. particularly when it came to self realizations (and the self-medicated, tortured artist soul), culture, politics, and all the in-between.

naturally, as the artist and audience begin to grow and mature, certain songs and albums can start to become less relatable and looked back upon as merely commentary for/about people coming of age. the beauty of it all is, as one group of listeners outgrow particular albums and/or genres, those songs left behind start to take hold of a new generation and interpretations can take on whole new meanings… breathing life back into something that was on the cusp of being placed back on a dusty shelf, and saved for a rainy day.

it’s so neat how powerful music is and can be.

enjoy.
xo


The sun came up with no conclusion

Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city’s cemetery’s humming
I’m wide-awake, it’s morning

I have my drugs, I have my woman
They keep away my loneliness
My parents have they have their religion
But sleep in separate houses

I read the body count out of the paper
And now it’s written all over my face
No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter
Sometimes that’s just the most comfortable place

So I’m drinking, breathing, writing, singing
Everyday I’m on the clock
My mind races with all my longings
But cant keep up with what I got

I hope I don’t sound too ungrateful
What history gave modern man
A telephone to talk to strangers
Machine guns and a camera lens

So when you’re asked to fight a war that’s over nothing
It’s best to join the side that’s gonna win
And no one’s sure how all of this got started
But we’re gonna make them goddam certain how its gonna end
Oh ya we will, oh ya we will!

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else’s voice
But failure’s always sounded better
Let’s fuck it up boys, make some noise!

The sun came up with no conclusion
Flowers sleeping in their beds
This city’s cemetery’s humming
I’m wide-awake, it’s morning