personal, recovery

12.10.17 | Day 460 | Musings + Reflections

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Let’s talk about art. Art, much like the meaning of life (among other things), is subjective; whatever our minds yield and what we then choose to make of it.

There’s a saying that goes something like “you’re allowed to be both a work in progress and a masterpiece at the same time,” and as cliché as it is, it is abso-fucking-lutely true.

If there’s one thing that is just as true, it is that it is possible to create something magnificent out of something once considered completely destroyed. And if this new-ish life of sobriety + in recovery has taught me anything, it is that from the debris left behind by our destruction, that we can unearth our true self, breathe new life into it, and ultimately create this beautiful, ever-evolving version of self that we once thought impossible when we only knew ourself to be little more than our addiction and/or internal suffering.

And alas, art is formed. Our truths are to be used as our canvases, and our stories and strengths are our mediums which we build upon. (Omg this sounds much more corny when I read it aloud, but no fucks are given bc I’m pouring my heart into this and have been writing these words in my head all day.)

Anyway, all this shit has been thoroughly thought through, full-circle, and the carefully selected quotes I journaled for my literary mood board have served me immensely over the last several days. I chose to read Rowe’s words from a recovering alcoholic point-of-view, and it stoked the flames within me that previously felt like they were uncomfortably quieting down. Earlier this week I began entering into a mild depressive spell, and began feeling more full of malaise than anything. It sucked. I found myself inaudibly moping and what was even worse was the noticeable fact I was slipping into a genuine indifference about the hazy, nebulous fog making its way into my brain.

So today I did some things, and put in some work, read + wrote some words, and… my mind, body, and soul started screaming “happy, happy, joy, joy” a la Ren & Stimpy, and fuck me sideways Susan, I sit behind this keyboard a happy woman yet again. (See previous IG post for my dumb face plastered with a big, stupid smile. Bc fuck yeah sobriety + all them authentic feels that come along with a clear mind!!!)

And as I sit here on my happy little clouds (the theme for this post is art, and if you don’t understand “happy little clouds” without having to use Dr. Google, then we need to have a serious talk), it’s because the creative wheels in my mind are turning, and the optimistic realist in me is planning out attainable goals — which are centered around creating: writing, learning, helping, and teaching — and I can feel myself starting to really uproot from out of this stagnation I’ve been subtly yet noticeably sinking into.

If you know me and/or been following my journey at all, you can see I have a very full plate, so maybe you’re wondering how/why I could possibly feel stagnant (play along even if you have no clue where I’m going with this — but hey, if you’ve read this far.. THANK YOU 🖤)… it’s because despite having a loaded calendar, I am aware I’m not evolving in a way that feels fulfilling to me. I’ve noticed behavioral patterns creeping back in, that while I do not fear a relapse, I know the warning signs for more situationally triggered depression, and I’m not having any of that shit. No, thank you. I’ve had my ebbs and flows with depression spells triggered by hormones and exhaustion, but now that I’ve settled more into my life of sobriety, I recognize these behavioral shifts as something I am responsible for + need to take control over, ASAP.

With baby steps towards transformation, and a “progress, not perfection” mindset I’m re-evaluating traits that need to be mindfully explored and worked on as a woman, mother, and wife… Finding ways to make it a priority to learn, discover, and write more (i.e. transition more lengthy posts –like this one– from IG onto a more suitable platform, like this here currently content deprived blog)… which allows for more consideration in the form of research + mental stimulation, as well as more proper proofreading… My biggest end goal is to eventually be able to become a professional counselor or therapist specializing in substance abuse (something along those lines), and use my story + voice as a means of helping others reclaim their lives and possess the ability to rewrite their stories.

However, I cannot accomplish any of these things unless I keep my sobriety first, continue to do the next right thing, and always make sure to live life one day at a time.

P.S. – Shoutout to Hip SobrietyLaura McKowen for being the bodacious trailblazers they are, and helping carve the way for all of us speaking up + unapologetically recovering out loud in a society that very much needs leaders like these ladies, to shine a light on the underbelly of our booze-soaked culture and exposing stats and truths for what they really are.

P.P.S. – And another huge shoutout to @SoberSavasana on her acceptance to Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation Graduate School of Addiction Studies!!!

 

daily entry, personal, recovery

day 401 – you + me

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So, I’m participating in a little thing called the “Fall in Love with You” challenge over on the good ol’ instagram and today’s prompt, day 12, is “your passion.”

And so, here’s what I know…
My passions are this: you + me.

My passion went from being a slow-burning build up, to a fire that cannot be tamed.

My passion has been discovering myself, what I like, what I don’t like, what areas I want to explore, what areas are best left alone, who I am, what I want, and ultimately where I want to go from here.

I literally spent all of my 20’s trying to be everything and everyone but me. Looking back, I really was an identity fraud of sorts. It wasn’t intentional… at least it didn’t start out that way, it just kind of snowballed and gained momentum as the years went by.

I mean, I was good at certain aspects and roles in my life, but when I would lay my head down each night, all I knew was that I was lost, miserable, and basically a shell of a person, hollowed out entirely and no real grasp or desire to recapture any potential I once had.

I was good at maintaining a personal narrative full of redundancies and self-pity, and even better at complaining but never moving myself into action. It cost me lots of friends, but even more so, it cost me a complete loss of identity.

So, over the last 13+ months, I’ve patiently unlearned all my destructive behaviors and replaced them with creating the person I am still becoming at this very moment.

I’ve been picking up bits and pieces of the identity I competely destroyed and abandoned, and am continuously falling in love with myself more and more each day.

That being said, the more I continue to better myself and really become an example + living proof that we can and do recover, the more I find myself finding my voice as well as a path to the future: which is where you come in.

As I become the best person I can be, I become more determined to both nurture myself AND give myself to those who need it. A little “puff, puff, pass” if you will, about inhaling all of life’s blessings, and wanting to share/pass them on to others.

*~Getting naturally high on life, if you want to get literal~*

I’ve become increasingly passionate about accepting how beYOUtiful I really am, as well as how uplifting + empowering our sober commUNITY is; and all of these things are JUST. GETTING. STARTED.

My passion is something greater than myself, and I’ve never felt more alive and/or fulfilled than I do now. Showing up, speaking out, helping others, encouraging others, LOVING others is what/where I was destined to be all along.

So if ANYTHING good has come out of my past, it is all of these things, and I am grateful for them every single millisecond.

Here’s to you.
Here’s to me.
Here’s to us.

Here’s to the future; may it be wild and bright and limitless.