daily entry, personal, recovery

day 318 – so, i had an awakening…

anaisnin_ownworld

So, here’s a #FlashbackFriday to this past #TransformationTuesday: The Spiritual Edition (if you’d like to see the holy shit visual/selfie version, take a looksie at my IG. Linked on the right side of your screen .)

So, my insomnia has decided to resurface, and with that comes an open gate / onset slew of events: severe flashbacks, intense feelings of regret, shame, and guilt, a tsunami of emotions, internal exploration, brief and simultaneous exchanges of incredibly short episodes of mild mania and depression, an increased desire to write and an increased desire to reel it all back. My insomnia enjoys being the life of the party, because when this bitch shows up, it thrives on throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me just to see what my reaction will be.

I gotta break it to ya, insomnia, I got some tricks up my sleeve this go-round, and you’re not going to bring me down because AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. (this time.)

Anyway, as I tossed and turned until the wee hours of the morning, I had a most beautiful breakthrough that ultimately resulted in a profound epiphany, and I felt alive. And terribly awake. Da fuq cares if it was almost 1:30 in the morning? This bitch had a motherfuckin’ epiphany. And it was glorious. And painful. And conflicting. And I debated 18 billion different times on whether I wanted to go furiously write down everything racing through my mind or not, and finally my brain flatlined (or my sleep-aid kicked in, idk) and I finally fell asleep.

This morning felt different. I felt different. I felt invigorated. I felt happy. I felt proud. I felt good. I felt peaceful. You see, last night as I darted in and out of flashbacks and in-depth reflections, I was sidelined with a pure moment of clarity – and all of a sudden, SO MANY THINGS made SO MUCH SENSE.

I spent so much of my time during active addiction trying to paint myself and my life to be this tragic and romantic tale, an undiscovered muse sucked into a domesticated life, where things were periodically bleak, and despite having a lover a kid and friends (and stability), I thrived on keeping my soul in a tormented state and found myself continuing to try and try and try to be all these things I simply wasn’t. I lived and breathed and longed to be a manic pixie dream girl, and I tried to like all the “right” things, I tried to steer clear of mainstream and monotony, and I flailed and pouted and sought so many (wrong) things in so all the (wrong) ways as best as I could, for as long as I could.

And last night, I sat there retracing all my steps and then it ALL hit me HARD. I spent so much time seeking approval and attention from so many people, despite me keeping myself in denial that I was doing such because I didn’t want to admit I was wasting an endless amount of time and energy — all to just keep myself in this stupid hamster wheel and too scared to jump off. Because I just wanted someone and something (“someone” meaning seeking validation, acceptance and attention from others, and “something” being alcohol used as fuel to keep this negative flame and my candle burning at both ends)… and as I sat there scavenging in my own mind + scrolling through quotes on self-care… IT happened. That epiphany and clarity of realizing: I NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY ELSE TO SAVE ME EXCEPT FOR MYSELF. If I couldn’t ever love myself, how and why in the fuck was I thinking anything or anyone else would do it for me?

I’ve spent so long being this sadomasochist with myself and tried so hard to repel and push and pull at everything, kicking and screaming, and longing and it was all because I never loved or accepted myself. And I never loved or accepted (fully) that all these other “things” I was searching for – besides the whole self-love thing – it had all been there the ENTIRE time. Waiting. Patiently. For me to come around, and thank God I had a chance to wake up before everything I ever needed disappeared out of my life – and then it all sunk in that I could let go of all my old ideas and beliefs… just let it all go because I became painfully aware that I had to stop building up these fantasies and longing to be this special “thing” in the eyes of others… and that I have to be my own superhero, my own muse, my own princess in shining armor, or however the fuck you want to look at this… I let myself down for so long and tried to find it everywhere else but inside of me.

And this whole “a-ha” thing had me SO shook to my bones, that I felt electric this morning as I crawled out from under my sheets and I’ve been walking on sunshine ever since. If I only maintain this feeling for today, I’m okay with that, because I have learned something new. Something profound. On my own, but with the help of others (unbeknownst to them, more or less), and for all of this – I am grateful. I am aware – and all of these wonderful thoughts and growing pains have all been made completely possible because I’m learning to slowly but surely let go of everything I let weigh me down for so many years. And it is love and it is light and it is everything.

And you are everything, and I hope that you know that. And if you don’t know or see that right now, give it time and let it grow and you will reap the benefits. And every waking second until you find and love yourself, I hope you know that you are worth it. And you are enough. You are so enough.

I love you all. xo

daily entry, misc, personal

Everything Wrong with “Thirteen Reasons Why”

Okay, so I finished watching “Thirteen Reasons Why” last night. Probably not the best idea, especially since yesterday was already emotionally heavy, given everything that was going on with our fifteen-year-old cat, Klaus, who we had to put down for eternal sleep yesterday.

I will admit over the past couple of weeks, I most definitely spoke up too soon in trying to “defend” or even argue certain points (albeit I was very clear about aforemetioned chiming in, whilst still being only halfway through the series), because my heart most certainly imploded during the last 30 minutes of the final episode.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

Honestly, I thought the first 12 1/2 episodes were a fair depiction and (most likely) accurately captured what it’s like to be a teenager in the 2010’s. It can’t be emphasised enough, how powerful mass text messaging, private + public forums and chatrooms, basically any and all social media platforms can be. They can be very damaging towards people’s esteems and reputations, and they can really “destroy” a person’s image in a matter of minutes.

That’s high school and gossip though, however, what we experienced doesn’t hold a candle to what kids have to endure now. What’s even more frightening, now that I/you/we are on the parental end of things, is seeing how spiteful kids can be, as early as elementary school.

Kids are much more rude, entitled, you name it — I can personally attest to this, because I’ve got one myself. While I/we have done everything in our power to raise a child with a good moral compass, who will practice compassion and provide empathy to others, to stand up for themselves and for others when they’re being treated unfairly… all we can hope, is that we’ve taught them well and that they abide by these same things while they’re in the world without us physically by their side.

Anyway, back to my original message, the final 30 minutes of “Thirteen Reasons Why” and what I took away from it. I’m in NO WAY trying to justify, defend, rationalize…whatever… suicide. At the end of the day, no matter your circumstance, no matter what religion or ideology you believe or follow… YOU are your own “God” (your conscious is, anyway) and you have nobody to answer to but yourself, when you lay your head down at night. Applying this same thought process to suicide: it is a 100% personal decision that only an individual can make for themself. Suicide is the most permanent decision one can ever make, and it’s a pretty fucking selfish one at that.

There will ALWAYS be tens, more like hundreds, of days where it will feel like:
– It is YOU against the world
– No one else can possibly understand how YOU feel
– No one else can possibly understand what YOU think
– No one else has time or energy to actually LISTEN to you
– That there is no point or purpose for your existence
– You want to cry out but feel there’s no hope or no point
– You’re merely existing and not living

You have these days, I have them, your next door neighbor has them, strangers you’ll never meet have them… it’s a part of life, and that’s all there is to it. Some days will hurt WAY more than others… it’s also a part of life, and that’s all there is to that as well.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to TALK TO SOMEBODY and realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE and IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP. Do not wait, don’t say to yourself “next time” — asking for help, or feeling weak does NOT make you any less of a person, if anything else it makes you more of a person, and a strong one at that.

There are so many more intricacies that I could go off on, but I won’t.

I feel like following the “story of Hannah Baker” and her “thirteen reasons why” was a very intimate, fresh take on what it’s like to be a teenager — more matter of fact, a teenage girl — in the 2010’s. (Yes, I am aware the book was written in ’07.)

I felt myself becoming as consumed and intrigued by Hannah as much as Clay was, and I felt myself silently cheering for him as he took it upon himself to be some sort of vigilante in Hannah’s honor. My heart broke several times throughout the series, I cried quite a bit… look, it was an intense take on adolescence. One that stuck with you well after you powered off your television for the night.

Then I found myself at the last 30 minutes of the final episode. We all knew what was going to become of Hannah… but then we started seeing more previews into the lives of Justin Foley, Jessica Davis, Tyler Down, Bryce Walker… oh yeah, and we caught wind about Alex Standall.

My point is — they should’ve just left it at Hannah’s story, in my opinion. I felt like that was a powerful enough message to send, that cries for help really can “look like nothing”… and I do NOT feel it was necessary to start showing open-ended story lines as they were beginning to unfold.

It’s not the suicide portion I necessarily take an issue with — it’s the idea of shining a spotlight on self-harm and vengeance that makes my heart shatter.

Example : We got to see the impact and toll that was being taken on Tyler’s character… now we’re left to wonder what he’s going to do with those guns, and what’s the true significance of those black and white photos he was stringing along in the dark room. Is that going to be his “artistic” take on retribution? Hannah takes herself out, and leaves behind a collection of reasonings in the form of a “lost art” that is cassette tapes… So, are we to think that Tyler is going to hang these beautifully taken portraits, as a way to highlight his perpetrators and soon-to-be victims? Hannah left behind a string of stories about her “reasons” which turned some of those people even further against Tyler, which I imagine was already a tad emotionally unstable, and now as a result of his “role” in Hannah’s death makes him the next bomb about to blow. Main point of reference being Clay, who sought revenge on those who wronged Hannah, but in reality made him no better than some of the others — because now he, too, is tormenting others…

We got to bear witness to what can take place in the aftermath of a high school student’s suicide, but I really don’t find it tasteful to leave things up to the imagination of the viewer, what’s to become of some of these characters. Especially, if the viewers are also impressionable, vulnerable adolescents who are trying to figure out who they are and what is the meaning of existence in a world we all know offers many beautiful opportunities and is bountiful in deeply caring souls, but also has many grotesque facets hidden in plain sight and an infinite amount of wolves in sheep’s clothing.