jam of the day, misc, personal, recovery

day 292 – wild and fluorescent

lorde’s new album, “melodrama” is 100% pure perfection. and i am utterly in love with “supercut.”

i spent this evening out on the waterfront watching the sunset, wind warm and gentle, observing families and lovers and friends bumbling about eating ice cream and enjoying one another’s company, and lastly i sat at the edge of the boardwalk staring up at the capital wheel as it lit up the night with its vibrancy. i imagine this is what complete bliss is supposed to feel like. i’m on my own little cloud right now, dancing all by myself. and i am happy. so, so happy.

i hope wherever you are, that you’re happy too. you deserve to be happy.
xo

In my head, I play a supercut of us
All the magic we gave off
All the love we had and lost

And in my head
The visions never stop
These ribbons wrap me up
But when I reach for you
There’s just a supercut

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
I’m someone you maybe might love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

So I fall
Into continents and cars
All the stages and the stars
I turn all of it
To just a supercut

‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)
We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart

In your car, the radio up
We keep trying to talk about us
Slow motion, I’m watching our love
I’ll be your quiet afternoon crush
Be your violent overnight rush
Make you crazy over my touch
But it’s just a supercut of us
Supercut of us

Cause in my head, in my head, I do everything right
When you call I’ll forgive and not fight
All the moments I play in the dark
Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
‘Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)
When you call (when you call, I’ll forgive and not fight)
Because ours (are the moments I play in the dark)

We were wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart
In my head, I do everything right

personal, recovery

it’s just a spark.

9

How many months I’ve been sober.

This has been, without a doubt, the most exquisite and excruciating but ultimately liberating adventure I’ve ever endured. The growing pains this evolution has provided is only parallel to the intense insanity that is motherhood, except on this ride — I’m finally nurturing myself.

Over the last nine months I’ve ripped so many skeletons out of my closet, I’ve gently but forcefully excavated a lot of my inner demons, and I finally pulled back the rug I’ve swept all my grotesque complexities and turmoil under; all the things that tormented me inside, that I chose to simultaneously fuel and suppress with alcohol, I’ve slowly but surely been facing them all. And you know what? It not only feels good… it feels even better… because it’s finally all feeling real.

I’ve ceased cheapening and/or forging emotions and experiences, both the good and the bad. It’s been far from nattyΒ and I’m ten million percent okay with that. Some days it’s been hard, some days it’s been easy; regardless, it’s been constructive and invaluable, day in and day out.

I’ve been learning to really tune into my inner intuition and have been making progress by: no longer suffering in silence and instead choosing to cope and communicate, learning to become more assertive without being entirely aggressive, when I feel myself becoming desolate I put forth my best efforts to find magic in the mundane, and pushed myself in other areas of discomfort and unfamiliarity, in order to flourish absolutely. Ultimately, I’m learning to transition into becoming as unapologetically myself as possible. I’ve got so much to say and I’m done hiding in the shadows; I’m ready to shake up the world and hopefully change some lives.

Along with this thorough admission of shortcomings and triumphs, I issued an apology to all of my friends. Well, the few friends I have left. I lost most of my friends over the years because I chose to have a “better” friendship with alcohol.

Almost every single one of my friends has seen me three sheets to the wind at one point. Or at ten points, depending on who they are. While this isn’t as personal or intimate as I’d like this apology to be, it’ll have to do until I’m able to see them in person and tell them straight to their face. Too many times have they all seen me trying to self-medicate and compensate myself for making it through another 24 hours of my life. Because nothing says “feel better” or “you deserve this” or “you’ve worked so hard today” or “I love you” like watering down your thoughts and drowning your feelings, right? Everyone I know, and myself, deserves better than what I’ve given them in the past. While I can’t change what I’ve done, what I’ve said, what I can remember and what only comes back to me in shattered recollections, I can wholeheartedly tell them that I’ve killed who I once was and I only pull out her image when I need a reminder of how far I’ve come.

During the last nine months I’ve been able to not only unlearn how to destroy, I’ve been remembering how to create, I’ve been able to fully immerse myself in experiences and emotions, I’ve learned more things about myself in the last 9 months than I’ve been able to accomplish over the last 10 years. And this party is just getting started.

Most importantly, I’ve been able to become the best mother, wife, daughter, and the best version of myself I can be. My potential in life knows no bounds, and I look forward to the future instead of hanging on to the past. My past is ugly, it’s messy, it’s shameful — but it’s made me who I am today, and for that I am grateful.

Once my kids are less dependent on me, I plan on going back to school to study and become a substance abuse counselor, and use my voice, my love, and my soul to help make this world a better place. I want to show, inspire, encourage and empower others to know that if they are being swallowed whole by their addiction(s), that there is hope. I want to show them that recovery and happiness are possible. I should know, because I’m living proof.

I love you all. xo